Field kids’ tough questions with honesty
Q. I saw your recent response to a parent and thought – I can ask my question too! I hope that’s okay. I’m the mom of a very inquisitive 5-year-old. When I say inquisitive, I mean there isn’t an hour of the day when I’m not asked something. I actually enjoy it. She keeps me on my toes. But the question I dreaded happened over the weekend. I should have expected it, but I was not prepared and I mumbled something about her being too young to ask. Her face fell. I distracted her, but now I feel horrible. I want to be the person she asks, and I want to give the right answers, to the best of my ability. The question? How do babies get made. I understand you taught sex ed for many years. What should I have said? What should I do now. Thank you so much. – Not a teen but need help.
Mary Jo’s Response: Yes, of course it’s okay to ask me, and it is my honor to respond. I did teach sex ed for many years – I taught my first class in 1981 and founded the Teen Outreach in 1988. My team and I taught over 300,000 teens in five counties. I’m certified in sexuality education and sexuality counseling from AASECT.
Responding as you did isn’t uncommon. Our culture, in my opinion, often fails to approach sexual education with openness. If we were not taught by our parents, it is tough to find the words to teach our children.
I love your little one’s curiosity. What you should do now is return to the question with her. Bring it up. I believe if children ask, they need a response. However, measure your words. Be honest, but brief. No details. No pictures of eggs and sperm. LESS IS MORE. The short answer: “Babies come from moms and dads.” No myths, either. No storks, for example. Most kids, depending on their age and development, will accept that and move on.
If they want more, still do not get out diagrams of reproductive body parts; instead, be calm and matter of fact, as if you were explaining something basic (because it is, really). Say, “so that people can continue and we can have families, our bodies are made to make babies when we have sex.”
Explaining sex can be scary, but honestly, it is still very basic. This may satisfy her curiosity for now. If she wants more, say that the woman has a special egg inside of her and the man has a special sperm inside of him. When the egg and the sperm are together, a baby can be made. Once again, most kids will be content with this response and not ask for more until they’ve processed it.
As time goes on, and if she’s still curious, you’ll need to begin by naming body parts correctly (penis, testicles, vulva, vagina). There’s no danger in these names, no more than naming an ear is dangerous. In fact, she should know these names now. If we don’t teach a “made up” name for our noses, there’s no need to create one for our private parts. These are normal body parts and research shows when children are taught the correct names for their private parts, they are more likely to disclose if someone abuses them or tries to abuse them.
At this point, I recommend ice cream (only half kidding). You want to diffuse your own anxiety; your daughter will be fine. Honest. Explain intercourse in very simple terms. “The man’s penis is able to put the sperm into the woman’s body through her vagina.” Nothing graphic, no need to go into ovulation or fallopian tubes or erections … just a matter-of-fact statement.
PLEASE do not say, “And when two people fall in love, they get very close together and make a baby.” I’ve had way too many young students tell me that they connected love with sex, and way too many of them had sex with their first crush, before they understood relationships or were ready. Focus on the normalcy of reproduction. Adult dogs make puppies, adult cats make kittens, etc.
Now is the time to share your values. If you believe a person should be married to have sex, say it now. If you believe a person should be in a serious, healthy relationship first, now’s the time to share. Bear in mind that our children learn values by our example, not by our words.
Finally, how you end the conversation is key. Say something like, “I love your curiosity – I love how you want to learn things. I’m your parent. I’m the person who should come to when you don’t understand. If you hear a dirty joke on the bus, or hear something that confuses you at school, come to me and I’ll explain it if I can. You won’t get into trouble.”
Let her know you love her and you’re there to help her figure out things that confuse her. Learning about sex shouldn’t be a one-time Big Talk, but an ongoing conversation as she grows. Good luck.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.