Setting boundaries to navigate life
Q. Tell me how to set boundaries and keep them. I have trouble saying no to friends, for one thing. I also can’t seem to keep my mouth shut – I overshare in person and online. Finally, I put up with being put down by friends. They say it’s all a joke, but it doesn’t feel funny to me. I also second guess my decisions. I feel like I’m a mess. – 14-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: You’re not a mess, but you’re facing some challenges. I’m pleased you reached out to me and glad you’re acknowledging that you’re having trouble setting boundaries.
Let’s first talk about what a boundary is. To me, boundaries are the limits a person sets to protect themselves from being hurt or disrespected. Boundaries can help you navigate friendships and school/family relationships, as well as, as you grow older, relationships with employers and co-workers. Learning how to establish boundaries now will help you all your life. Think of boundaries as guidelines you create for how you want to be treated and how you will treat others. At our Common Ground Teen Center, we follow these guidelines: Respect, Power of Words (which means we use words to lift up, not put down), Listen to Hear, Hold Space (which means we offer the gift of our presence when someone experiences a loss or is sad), Confidentiality (meaning we don’t gossip), Do No Harm, and Laugh (we laugh with you, not at you). Consider your guidelines!
There are many types of boundaries:
Physical boundaries – personal space, touch preferences and personal contact limits. At the center, we ask for consent before we hug.
Emotional boundaries – this involves understanding our own emotions and the emotions of others and setting limits on how deeply we want to become involved emotionally. Let’s say your crush is interested in you – you might set an emotional boundary by discussing moving slowly.
Social boundaries – set limits for how you want to interact in social settings, both in person and online.
Time boundaries – finding balance between school, work, homework, sports, family needs and friendships takes skill but is a key to lowering stress.
As a teen, I suggest these steps to help you set boundaries in your life:
Identify your feelings. Knowing how unacceptable behaviors from others are stressful to you is important. Recognize when you feel uncomfortable or disrespected.
Trust yourself. If you think something is wrong, it probably is.
Consider digital/social media boundaries. If you wouldn’t write something on a highway billboard for all to see, you shouldn’t post it online.
Know that friendships have limits. Real friends don’t ask you to do things that make you feel uncomfortable.
Practice setting boundaries in a safe space, like at home or our teen center. Here are some boundary-setting phrases you could use:
I’m not comfortable with that.
Let me think about it and get back to you.
I’ve never done that before, so I’m uncomfortable trying it.
Good luck! I asked my wise peer educators for their thoughts.
Peer Educator Response: You were right to contact Mary Jo. We agree with her advice. Please be kind to you. Join us at the teen center! Setting boundaries is tough for most of us, but it’s important. It’s wonderful if you can set your boundaries before you’re hurt. Hope to see you.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.