Column on suicide provokes reader responses
Here are some responses to my Oct. 9 column on suicide:
Q. Thank you for your wise words on suicide. I lost my brother that way when I was a teen. I’m in my 60s and I feel I’ve never really gotten over it. I’ve lived my life, married, had babies, now I’m a grandma to three, and it still hurts that he’s not been here for all of it. He was a few years older than me, and I looked up to him. He never gave any indication that he was so distressed. Thank you also for the language you used around suicide. I’ve always been dismayed by the “committed suicide” concept. My brother was a truly good person. I much prefer the words you suggested. “Took his own life” is harsh, but so is the act, and the words are kinder. Good luck with your suicide prevention programs. I hope they save a life.
Mary Jo’s Response: Thank you for your kind and generous words. I appreciate you taking the time to write. I’m sorry for the loss of your dear brother. You’re so right. Deep grief doesn’t go away as much as we learn to live with it. The hardest young people to reach are those who mask their sorrow. Enjoy those grandchildren. May you be well.
Q. After reading your column about depression and suicide, my worries about our 16-year-old daughter came to a head. I confronted her about what I feel is a dangerous depression. She wouldn’t talk with me for two solid days. I almost tried to find your phone number and call you! Finally, she broke down and cried. Yes, she is depressed. Yes, she has thought of suicide, although she says not at the moment. I’m so grateful you wrote that column. Now, what do I do? I’m thrilled she’s talking with me honestly, but I’m worried. Is talking with me enough? I don’t want her to be stigmatized by seeing someone for mental health issues.
Mary Jo’s Response: First, it’s important to keep listening to your daughter. She confided in you and I’m sure that was not easy. Reinforce how pleased you are that she shared with you. Affirm her right to her feelings. Tell her how much she means to you in both words and actions. She is a person of great worth.
You ask, are you enough? Your primary role is her mother. As her mother, you are doing all you can, but you are not her counselor. I will never forget my grad school professor (my master’s is in counseling) telling us to never try to “shrink” our own. That was his flip way of saying that the lines of connection with family and a therapist are different.
I suggest your daughter see a counselor. There are wonderful therapists who focus on adolescent needs. Suicidal ideation is a red flag that needs follow up with a professional. Please don’t overthink – seeing a therapist or counselor is not as stigmatized as it once was, and your daughter will benefit from someone listening to, and focusing on, her. Would you hesitate to consult with a medical doctor for a physical health issue? This is no different. I also sought out a peer educator alumnus for wisdom. Good luck and feel free to stay connected.
Peer Educator Alumnus: I’m in my mid-twenties and attempted suicide as a teen. Without help, I would not be here. My therapist was a huge part of saving my life. Don’t be afraid of stigmas. Be worried about your daughter no longer seeking help from you. She needs more.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.