Learning to be assertive
Q. This may sound like a trivial problem, and I know it is, in the scheme of things, but I am still stressed about it. I went to get my hair done for the Christmas formal. I had pics of the way I wanted it to look, but when it was finished, it didn’t look anything like what I wanted. I paid the hairdresser, went home crying, and washed it all out. My mom said I threw my money away and I shouldn’t have paid her and I should have told her off. I really didn’t feel right about not paying her. She put a lot of time into my hair, even if I didn’t like it. I’m not the kind of person to tell anyone off either. What else could I have done? -16-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: I’m glad you weren’t rude to the hairdresser. I understand this was stressful; I experienced almost the exact situation when I was 15, except the hairdresser was my cousin. I loved my cousin very much and she was studying in beauty school, so I didn’t say anything for fear of hurting her feelings. My mother wouldn’t let me wash my hair and change it, so my pictures for the dance look like I’m 25 and my date is 15 (which he was). It all worked out because we got married in seven years, but all these years later I remember how my hairstyle upset me. Your situation called for good communication. Knowing how to communicate is an important life skill.
There are three possible ways to react to something we do not like. The first is a passive response, the second is an aggressive response, and the third is an assertive response. Developing communication skills so you can give a respectful but assertive response will help you in many of life’s experiences.
First, let’s talk about “I” messages. When we give an assertive response, we often use an “I” message. “I” messages are statements that start with “I” and focus on the speaker’s feelings rather than blaming or criticizing the other person. This approach encourages open communication and helps a person express emotion constructively. You do not lay blame when you use an “I” message.
Suppose your family has members who take charge of conversations at dinner; you do not have a chance to speak. You could say, “I feel frustrated because I cannot share my story.”
Your friend comes over and you play video games or do crafts – you have snacks and you make a mess. When it’s time for your friend to leave, you could say, “I’d like you to help me clean up so my parents are happy when you come over again.”
With your hairstyle, you responded passively. You did not say you were unhappy, you paid and left. You probably would be uncomfortable returning to the salon. If you were aggressive in your response, you might have been rude, you would have expressed your displeasure, probably loudly, and maybe, you may not have paid, which would have left a negative impression with the salon. An assertive response, however, can leave everyone feeling OK. You could say, “I’m not happy with the way my hair looks. Is there anything you can do to make me feel better?”
You don’t blame the beautician; you are kind and you respectfully seek a solution. Being respectfully assertive is a great communication skill. Practice it with your friends. Good luck.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.