Parents need reminders too
Q. I don’t have a question this time. I just wanted to report back. I wrote to you about my family fighting, and you answered me in your column. I showed the column to my parents, like you suggested. A miracle happened. They got all weird, kind of embarrassed. They asked me if I told you my name and I said no. That seemed to make them feel better, but then I took a deep breath and asked them if they could just try to get along for Thanksgiving. I reminded them that my gramma may not be here for many more Thanksgivings. That made them quiet. Then my mom hugged me and said she would try. I stared at my dad and he mumbled something. Well, they did it. We spent a wonderful day eating lots of food, watching football and NOT listening to people argue. My mom told everyone who came to dinner that they had to leave politics at the door, and they LISTENED! My gramma even told me how happy she was! Thanks for helping. – 13-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: Outstanding! I’m very proud of you. You modeled behavior for a peaceful holiday, you were able to use your voice to be a positive influence in your family, and you supported your grandmother. Excellent! I’m so happy it was a good day.
Q. Will you please tell parents through your column that their job is to support and love their children, even if they’re not perfect? I’m in my late thirties. I remember you so fondly from middle and high school. You taught us so much. I learned about relationships and self-worth; I left your classes feeling empowered. Sadly, that was the opposite of what I felt at home. I was never able to be good enough for my parents. They criticized everything I did for all my life. I was never enough. I can’t remember a single hug or an “I love you.” I studied hard in college; I made Dean’s List repeatedly. Do you think they congratulated me? Not once. They didn’t pay even a dollar for my education or attend my graduation. After graduation, I confronted them about the way they’d always treated me. My dad said it was the way they disciplined me. I asked them what I’d done to deserve being treated so coldly, and they couldn’t name anything big – just normal growing up teen incidents, like not doing chores on time or not making my bed. I decided to move away from home and found a job in another state. I lucked into a position as a paralegal. After about 5 years of this, I decided I wanted to go to law school. I took the LSATs and aced them. The firm I work for paid half of my tuition, and I graduated with honors. They employed me immediately. I love it and I’m close to partner. I contacted my parents several times since undergrad graduation, but they always seemed disinterested, so I finally told them I saw no need to stay connected – I wanted a divorce. They didn’t object. We’ve been estranged over a decade. I’m an only child and my grandparents are deceased, so I really have no family except my new wife. I didn’t even invite them to my wedding. Some people should just not be parents. My wife suggested I forgive them. I don’t think I can. Thanks for listening. I really just needed to tell someone and I trust you.
Mary Jo’s Response: No one is perfect, nor should parents expect perfection from their children. I’m so very proud of you. You’ve made an excellent life for yourself. You are worthy of love. You’re absolutely correct. Some people should not be parents. Please strive not to mimic their parenting if you start a family. Counseling may help you process your childhood. Forgiveness is personal; I cannot tell you how to handle it. I will share that many people do feel a sense of closure after they forgive childhood wrongs; forgiveness doesn’t mean you need to interact with your parents. It’s OK to be separate. Forgiveness may simply give you peace of mind, but it’s your choice alone. Thanks for remembering me. Your memories of my classes made my day.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.