Fireproofing Christmas
Roy Hess
Christmas Day or therabout has long been a grand celebration with our kids and grandkids at our home. As the grandchildren grew and our family expanded, scheduling became a little tougher, but we still try to have that special Christmas at Grandma and Grandpap’s house.
The usual routine is familiar, arrival and hugs, cookies, chips, dip, and stories, an overly adequate Christmas dinner, then a gift exchange with enough boxes and balls made out of wrapping paper to drive our cats into happy exhaustion.
In the years when the grandkids were growing, Uncle Roy (our son), a confirmed fireworks junkie, would entertain them by punctuating the winter sky with (legal) displays, as he did for most holiday gatherings.
Every gathering would present a pleasant surprise or two but none could top the gift opening of Christmas 2024, hilarious in its simplicity and fun.
We have always bought each grandchild a gift for Christmas, sometimes with information wangled from their parents about things they might need; but by 2024, all of our grandkids had grown, finished college and had homes or apartments of their own. With age and ambulation affecting our shopping, I perused the internet in search of a gift that would please all.
My trusty iPad produced an ad for the perfect, thoughtful, useful (and cheap) universal gift that every home needs. Ads were everywhere online for fiberglass fire blankets. Demonstrations showed the blankets snuffing out small and medium household fires. My mind wandered to memories of the marketing of Ove Glove and Chia Pets, both of which became regular Christmastime advertising in excess.
My shopping trepidations were calmed immediately. A necessity for every kitchen, one was ordered for every child and grandchild, plus an extra for those who worked from a home office.
We were ecstatic when we found gift boxes at a dollar and quarter store that seemed made for the folded blankets. With other shopping done, we waited smugly for the Christmas celebration. Unlike socks or personalized cufflinks, we had found the perfect gift, something that every home should have.
The scheduled Christmas party moved along as planned, with most of the family able to attend, carrying bags, boxes, cookies and dips. Uncle Roy entered with a brimming smile and a huge bag.
Shortly after the meal and before tryptophan began claiming victims, it was time to open gifts. Following a flurry of paper and laughter, the final gifts were those from Uncle Roy and Aunt Suzanne and a special gift from Grandma and Grandpa.
With great excitement Uncle Roy brought his Santa bag to the center of the room. With his wife Sue beaming, he announced, “We always struggle to find the perfect gift; but this year we found something everyone needs. It’s just a common sense item and I hope you never need to use it.”
With that speech he opened his bag and began to hand out …… fire blankets!
I should have known better. Why would I think my son, whose thinking and logic are identical to mine, would not have noticed the advertising rush and the universal attraction of the blankets as a gift that every kitchen absolutely needs?
Now, there’s one round of gifts to go. I nervously pushed 10 or so perfect Christmas boxes to the center of the room. I cleared my throat and began, “We always struggle to find the perfect gift, but this year we found something that everyone needs.” (I saw some smiles breaking out around the room.) With that, I began passing out our “perfect” gifts ……fire blankets. The smiles morphed into guffaws and rounds of impromptu one liners. I heard over the din, “Hey now you can have more than one fire!”
It took a few minutes for the comedy club ripples to subside. I’m sure that everyone left with a secure feeling of kitchen safety.
No one in the family will need a fire blanket this Christmas. Thankfully, no one needed to use their gift.
This year, everyone is getting a pair of Ove Gloves and a Keith Richards Chia Pet!
Roy Hess Sr. is a retired teacher and businessman from Dawson.